I reached a new high, at 270 pounds. It's funny, except not really. Because when I initially weighed just over 200 pounds, I told myself, "Oh it's not that bad. If I lost just a little bit of weight, I would be in the 100s again. Losing 20 pounds will be no big deal." And then I gained 10 pounds, and lost 15, and gained another 20, and lost another 20. And somewhere in the middle of all the yo-yoing, I reached 250. And I said oh dear, God, there is no way I will gain more weight because that is the wrong side of 200 to be on. And people always make that "joke" which isn't really a very funny joke about fat girls that always have some type of phrase like "that girl has to weigh 300 pounds". Except I realized that today, I'm on the wrong side of 200, and I'm about to be that girl that is 300 pounds.
It's interesting, because I never even realized how much weight I had truly gained. I thought maybe I was imagining that I was a whole lot skinnier (yet never skinny) in college. I truly got angry because my fucking dryer was shrinking my clothes - because Lord knows, I'm not the one at fault. I recently went to try on jeans (since the one pair of jeans that fits me "shrunk" in the laundry), and a size bigger than the only pair of jeans I can fit in didn't fit.
Saturday, my loving and truly amazing boyfriend took me to see the Lion King for my belated birthday. We were late going to dinner because I was hysterically crying on the floor of the closet and in the bathroom for hours because I didn't have anything to wear. I have two+ closets of clothes and absolutely nothing fits. Even my work clothes don't fit - which is why everything I've been wearing is stretchy.
I'm writing this more to myself than anyone else in the world as a reminder. My hope and prayer is to talk some sense into myself, and to never turn back. To run away from the heartache of being overweight and judged, and to run towards the life I've always dreamed of living. Nothing can stop you Allissa, but yourself. You are the key to your own happiness and joy, and you have the power to change your life and future forever. You have the ability to get married, be promoted, have children, run marathons, be a fashionista, and become a lover of life. Being overweight your whole life has been a huge blessing, as it taught you some of the biggest lessons you will ever learn. It taught you how to treat others, how to set examples for your future children, why being healthy is important, and most importantly, it taught you all the feelings that are associated with being fat. And the best part about it is that you can free yourself from it all. Use your past to fuel your future and to change lives, including your own. Be the woman God intended you to be.
Love and Blessings.
Allissa
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
A little more than a swollen ankle
So I'm back to where I started. At least, it feels that way. I'm not really sure because I haven't stepped on a scale in what's probably at least a month, and I've demolished my good eating habits. So here I am, back to square one. And I just ate two cookies.
I think this past week, I truly realized how much mental power it takes to stay in the game of weight loss. One small hit can sink your whole battleship, and it's like you didn't even realize there was a leak in the first place.
Unfortunately, I was derailed by a multitude of things in the past couple of months. I started out super excited and motivated for change, and really started to see the difference in myself. And then I got scared. I feared what my life would be like upon graduation. I feared finding a career by May, and I knew that the lease for our apartment will be up around the same time. It presented the question of staying or moving, and on top of that, my parents will also be moving. I started sabotaging myself by not going to class and not studying. Knowing it hurts my grade, and I continued to not care. I've been going to school for so long, I began feeling like I didn't know how to do anything else. On top of all that, I had a swollen ankle for a while, but kept running on it. After going to the doctor, I found out I have PTTD - Posterior Tibial Tendonitis Dysfunction in my left foot. He told me to get an ankle brace, but it hasn't seemed to help much, so I'm guessing that I am going to have to get a follow up with an ortho soon. This has been probably the most frustrating part, knowing I can't run, I feel like I can't work out at all, and I felt defeated. So I threw the whole towel in, because I fear working out and further injuring myself.
Fear is a funny thing. A simplified excerpt from wikipedia says: Fear is the ability to recognize danger leading to an urge to confront it or flee from it (also known as the fight-or-flight response) but in extreme cases of fear (terror) a freeze or paralysis response is possible. Fear, whatever its source, can become a controlling factor in a person’s life. Interestingly enough, my favorite quote from a book by Neal Diamond Walsh says:
"We are TAUGHT to fear and to believe in fear. And we can just as easily teach ourselves to Love and to believe in love. Our beliefs make up our realities and our realities are our Worlds. We get to choose what our Worlds will represent - Fear or Love."
So as easy as it is to believe in fear, it's just as easy to believe in anything else. Love. Courage. Strength. Faith. So every day, I can choose to cast my fears and worry to God. 1 Peter 5:7 says "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." So I have to challenge the strength of my mind everyday, and challenge what I choose to believe in for the day. Will my mind win or lose?
When I was talking to Garrett about my struggles, he mentioned having the mindset that tomorrow is a new day, which doesn't normally work for me. When I start having a bad day, I end up throwing the towel in, feeling that I screwed my whole day up and I can try again tomorrow. But today, I feel the change agent coming on again. Tomorrow being a new day makes me feel hopeful. I supposed it's all about having a balance of the new day attitude and being disciplined enough to get to the finish line. I think the frustrating thing for me being a type A personality is that I feel like know there will never be a finish line. A healthy lifestyle isn't a quick fix of eating healthy for a few years to lose the weight, and then go back to stuffing my face. It's about adopting a life-long change agent. And as much as I nag my boyfriend for being accepting of change, I'll go out on a limb and say that this change is pretty damn difficult. If it weren't, I would have embraced it quite a while ago.
So my goal for the week is to cut out soft drinks, for the billionth time. I was actually doing REALLY well with this a couple months ago, and I felt way better about myself. But just one diet coke "because it sounds good" turned into my old habit/addiction. So I have to face the fact that I'm just not ready to add Cokes back into my life.
I think this past week, I truly realized how much mental power it takes to stay in the game of weight loss. One small hit can sink your whole battleship, and it's like you didn't even realize there was a leak in the first place.
Unfortunately, I was derailed by a multitude of things in the past couple of months. I started out super excited and motivated for change, and really started to see the difference in myself. And then I got scared. I feared what my life would be like upon graduation. I feared finding a career by May, and I knew that the lease for our apartment will be up around the same time. It presented the question of staying or moving, and on top of that, my parents will also be moving. I started sabotaging myself by not going to class and not studying. Knowing it hurts my grade, and I continued to not care. I've been going to school for so long, I began feeling like I didn't know how to do anything else. On top of all that, I had a swollen ankle for a while, but kept running on it. After going to the doctor, I found out I have PTTD - Posterior Tibial Tendonitis Dysfunction in my left foot. He told me to get an ankle brace, but it hasn't seemed to help much, so I'm guessing that I am going to have to get a follow up with an ortho soon. This has been probably the most frustrating part, knowing I can't run, I feel like I can't work out at all, and I felt defeated. So I threw the whole towel in, because I fear working out and further injuring myself.
Fear is a funny thing. A simplified excerpt from wikipedia says: Fear is the ability to recognize danger leading to an urge to confront it or flee from it (also known as the fight-or-flight response) but in extreme cases of fear (terror) a freeze or paralysis response is possible. Fear, whatever its source, can become a controlling factor in a person’s life. Interestingly enough, my favorite quote from a book by Neal Diamond Walsh says:
"We are TAUGHT to fear and to believe in fear. And we can just as easily teach ourselves to Love and to believe in love. Our beliefs make up our realities and our realities are our Worlds. We get to choose what our Worlds will represent - Fear or Love."
So as easy as it is to believe in fear, it's just as easy to believe in anything else. Love. Courage. Strength. Faith. So every day, I can choose to cast my fears and worry to God. 1 Peter 5:7 says "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." So I have to challenge the strength of my mind everyday, and challenge what I choose to believe in for the day. Will my mind win or lose?
When I was talking to Garrett about my struggles, he mentioned having the mindset that tomorrow is a new day, which doesn't normally work for me. When I start having a bad day, I end up throwing the towel in, feeling that I screwed my whole day up and I can try again tomorrow. But today, I feel the change agent coming on again. Tomorrow being a new day makes me feel hopeful. I supposed it's all about having a balance of the new day attitude and being disciplined enough to get to the finish line. I think the frustrating thing for me being a type A personality is that I feel like know there will never be a finish line. A healthy lifestyle isn't a quick fix of eating healthy for a few years to lose the weight, and then go back to stuffing my face. It's about adopting a life-long change agent. And as much as I nag my boyfriend for being accepting of change, I'll go out on a limb and say that this change is pretty damn difficult. If it weren't, I would have embraced it quite a while ago.
So my goal for the week is to cut out soft drinks, for the billionth time. I was actually doing REALLY well with this a couple months ago, and I felt way better about myself. But just one diet coke "because it sounds good" turned into my old habit/addiction. So I have to face the fact that I'm just not ready to add Cokes back into my life.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
My What-If Closet
I just packed away 18 pairs of blue jeans into a storage container. 18 pairs of jeans that simply don't fit. 18 pairs multiplied by an average of $50 totaling $900 of too-small-for-me jeans, and this is sadly the very beginning of my packing.
You see, I had this great idea. I decided that I was going to pack away all my clothes that are too small for me into containers with the size labeled on them. That way, when I lost the weight, I could have easy access to the clothes I needed that would fit. Little did I know, this process would be way more depressing than it seemed. So much to the point where I just stood in the middle of the closet with tears streaming down my face. Who knew clothes could have such harsh effects on my reality?
Because the things is, for probably the first time in my life, I owned up to my life. I owned up to the years of living my what-if lifestyle. The what-if shorts, and the what-if dress. I purchased clothes based on the idea that one day, I was going to fit into them. And I kept buying, and I kept spending, until I sat here today in a full closet of my what-if life. I've been wearing the same pair of jeans for almost a year now, because I've reached the point where I refuse to buy another pair of jeans in a size I don't want to admit I wear.
The saddest part is that I have an entire closet full of a size that I don't wear, and that I shouldn't wear, because it would still be an unhealthy weight. But in my eyes, if I could just be a size 12 or 14, it would be a dream. I was just so sick of not being able to shop in stores that I wanted to shop in, that I decided I could shop there if I wanted to. So I bought them anyways. I bought things that flat out didn't fit because one day "I would", and I bought things that kind of fit, but didn't really. If I had come out of the fitting room, everyone in the room would have said "ooh baby, no", and I maybe would have saved myself the misery of a closet full of tag adorned clothes. However, I never would have faced that embarrassment, as I always avoid leaving the fitting room while I'm trying clothes on.
This has lead me to my current life, where I wear the same pair of jeans (1 pair), a revolving set of Nike athletic shorts, and oversized t-shirts (preferably my boyfriends' because they hide most things and don't display every single fat roll on my body). My dad used to mention things about how he hated that I wear my clothes so tight, or that I wear the same stupid Nike shorts all the time, that are too short in his opinion. And I'll agree with him, I'm not a huge fan of my thunder thighs in them....but it's all that fits.
I understand that I have the wrong attitude about all of this. I understand that I should be overly joyed with the potential I have to change my life. But today, I realized I've been trying to lose "just a few pounds" for over 8 years. "Just a few pounds" seems to be nothing compared to the 100+ that I truly NEED to lose. Today, I am probably more discouraged than I have been when it comes to my weight loss journey throughout the past 16 years of my life that I have been overweight.
But I have a choice on how I want to deal with the feeling of defeat. I can marvel in it, or I can challenge it. I can change it. I can tell myself that I'm sick and tired of living my what-if life, and that I'm done with living it. I can win. Hopefully tomorrow, I choose to win.
I pray, dear God, that you provide me the strength and the courage to win. That you bless me with the power to pull the competitor out of me and to fight for what's right in my life. Please, Lord, give me the strength to use my heart and my mind to its fullest capability in my moments of weakness, and give me clarity in my true desires for myself as life's temptations pass by. Help me find the love and gratitude that you have offered me, and to be grateful for the blessings I have been given in my life. Watch over me as I struggle in the battle I face with myself, a battle that I am capable of winning.
You see, I had this great idea. I decided that I was going to pack away all my clothes that are too small for me into containers with the size labeled on them. That way, when I lost the weight, I could have easy access to the clothes I needed that would fit. Little did I know, this process would be way more depressing than it seemed. So much to the point where I just stood in the middle of the closet with tears streaming down my face. Who knew clothes could have such harsh effects on my reality?
Because the things is, for probably the first time in my life, I owned up to my life. I owned up to the years of living my what-if lifestyle. The what-if shorts, and the what-if dress. I purchased clothes based on the idea that one day, I was going to fit into them. And I kept buying, and I kept spending, until I sat here today in a full closet of my what-if life. I've been wearing the same pair of jeans for almost a year now, because I've reached the point where I refuse to buy another pair of jeans in a size I don't want to admit I wear.
The saddest part is that I have an entire closet full of a size that I don't wear, and that I shouldn't wear, because it would still be an unhealthy weight. But in my eyes, if I could just be a size 12 or 14, it would be a dream. I was just so sick of not being able to shop in stores that I wanted to shop in, that I decided I could shop there if I wanted to. So I bought them anyways. I bought things that flat out didn't fit because one day "I would", and I bought things that kind of fit, but didn't really. If I had come out of the fitting room, everyone in the room would have said "ooh baby, no", and I maybe would have saved myself the misery of a closet full of tag adorned clothes. However, I never would have faced that embarrassment, as I always avoid leaving the fitting room while I'm trying clothes on.
This has lead me to my current life, where I wear the same pair of jeans (1 pair), a revolving set of Nike athletic shorts, and oversized t-shirts (preferably my boyfriends' because they hide most things and don't display every single fat roll on my body). My dad used to mention things about how he hated that I wear my clothes so tight, or that I wear the same stupid Nike shorts all the time, that are too short in his opinion. And I'll agree with him, I'm not a huge fan of my thunder thighs in them....but it's all that fits.
I understand that I have the wrong attitude about all of this. I understand that I should be overly joyed with the potential I have to change my life. But today, I realized I've been trying to lose "just a few pounds" for over 8 years. "Just a few pounds" seems to be nothing compared to the 100+ that I truly NEED to lose. Today, I am probably more discouraged than I have been when it comes to my weight loss journey throughout the past 16 years of my life that I have been overweight.
But I have a choice on how I want to deal with the feeling of defeat. I can marvel in it, or I can challenge it. I can change it. I can tell myself that I'm sick and tired of living my what-if life, and that I'm done with living it. I can win. Hopefully tomorrow, I choose to win.
I pray, dear God, that you provide me the strength and the courage to win. That you bless me with the power to pull the competitor out of me and to fight for what's right in my life. Please, Lord, give me the strength to use my heart and my mind to its fullest capability in my moments of weakness, and give me clarity in my true desires for myself as life's temptations pass by. Help me find the love and gratitude that you have offered me, and to be grateful for the blessings I have been given in my life. Watch over me as I struggle in the battle I face with myself, a battle that I am capable of winning.
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