I reached a new high, at 270 pounds. It's funny, except not really. Because when I initially weighed just over 200 pounds, I told myself, "Oh it's not that bad. If I lost just a little bit of weight, I would be in the 100s again. Losing 20 pounds will be no big deal." And then I gained 10 pounds, and lost 15, and gained another 20, and lost another 20. And somewhere in the middle of all the yo-yoing, I reached 250. And I said oh dear, God, there is no way I will gain more weight because that is the wrong side of 200 to be on. And people always make that "joke" which isn't really a very funny joke about fat girls that always have some type of phrase like "that girl has to weigh 300 pounds". Except I realized that today, I'm on the wrong side of 200, and I'm about to be that girl that is 300 pounds.
It's interesting, because I never even realized how much weight I had truly gained. I thought maybe I was imagining that I was a whole lot skinnier (yet never skinny) in college. I truly got angry because my fucking dryer was shrinking my clothes - because Lord knows, I'm not the one at fault. I recently went to try on jeans (since the one pair of jeans that fits me "shrunk" in the laundry), and a size bigger than the only pair of jeans I can fit in didn't fit.
Saturday, my loving and truly amazing boyfriend took me to see the Lion King for my belated birthday. We were late going to dinner because I was hysterically crying on the floor of the closet and in the bathroom for hours because I didn't have anything to wear. I have two+ closets of clothes and absolutely nothing fits. Even my work clothes don't fit - which is why everything I've been wearing is stretchy.
I'm writing this more to myself than anyone else in the world as a reminder. My hope and prayer is to talk some sense into myself, and to never turn back. To run away from the heartache of being overweight and judged, and to run towards the life I've always dreamed of living. Nothing can stop you Allissa, but yourself. You are the key to your own happiness and joy, and you have the power to change your life and future forever. You have the ability to get married, be promoted, have children, run marathons, be a fashionista, and become a lover of life. Being overweight your whole life has been a huge blessing, as it taught you some of the biggest lessons you will ever learn. It taught you how to treat others, how to set examples for your future children, why being healthy is important, and most importantly, it taught you all the feelings that are associated with being fat. And the best part about it is that you can free yourself from it all. Use your past to fuel your future and to change lives, including your own. Be the woman God intended you to be.
Love and Blessings.
Allissa
